Another Highly Recommended Book, Another Bust
Day six at the lake, another book down (well, half-down), and still no boat. This time, the pick was The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker—a book that comes up in conversations about meaningful meetings, better parties, and how to make people actually want to show up to your stuff. I figured, why not see if it could help me figure out why my own gatherings always feel like they’re missing some secret ingredient.
Spoiler: I didn’t make it to the end. Somewhere around page 150, wedged between “practice generous exclusion” and “exercise generous authority”, I realized I was forcing it. Unlike the last book I didn't love (which at least got a skim-through), this one got the AI summary treatment and a few random page flips before I officially called it. That's a big part of the reason this isn't the "day 5" blog, because I put it down for several hours and came back to it, thinking I just wasn't in the mood.
(Side note #1: For those of you wondering why I'm not reading novels on my vacation, that's what was on the nook that didn't make it in my luggage. I simply refuse to re-buy a book (or 4) that I already own. All right, that isn't true but I'm not going to buy a book twice before I've read it once, okay?)
What’s The Art of Gathering Supposed to Be?
The premise is pretty straightforward: most of us spend a huge chunk of our lives in meetings, parties, and events that feel… underwhelming. Parker’s mission is to help us host better gatherings: whether that’s a birthday dinner, a work meeting, or a community event. She wants us to move beyond the “default settings” of how we bring people together and instead design experiences that are purposeful, memorable, and genuinely meaningful.
If you’re thinking “that sounds useful,” you’re not alone. I went in hoping for some practical wisdom, maybe a few checklists, or at least a lightbulb moment about why my parties always feel like they’re missing something. Instead, I found myself wading through a lot of theory, stories, and what I can only describe as “woo woo.” Maybe I’m not the target audience. Or maybe I just don’t have the patience for books that treat dinner parties like sacred rituals.
The Eight Rules of Gathering (According to Priya Parker)
Despite not finishing, I did get the gist of Parker’s eight “rules” (or guidelines, or commandments, take your pick):
- Start with Purpose, Not Category: Don’t just throw a “dinner party” or “team meeting.” Figure out why you’re gathering. What’s the real goal? The more specific, the better.
- Practice Generous Exclusion: Be intentional about the guest list. The idea is that by excluding some, you can make the gathering more meaningful for those who are there. “More is not always merrier” is the mantra here.
- Exercise Generous Authority: As the host, don’t just set things in motion and hope for the best. Guide the group, set boundaries, and protect the purpose of the gathering. This isn’t about being a control freak—it’s about creating space for everyone to engage.
- Create Popup Rules: Temporary, event-specific rules can help break people out of their routines and encourage participation. Think “no phones at the table” or “everyone shares a story before dessert.”
- Prime Your Guests Before the Event: Set expectations and get people excited (or at least prepared) before they show up. A little pre-event communication can go a long way.
- Start and End with Intention: Openings and closings matter. Don’t just let things fizzle out—set the tone at the beginning and wrap up with purpose.
- Encourage Authentic Connection Through Vulnerability: The best gatherings foster real, honest connections. Parker suggests that a little vulnerability from the host can go a long way in setting the stage for everyone else.
- Embrace Good Controversy: Don’t shy away from tough conversations. Sometimes, the most meaningful moments come from leaning into disagreement or difference, as long as it’s handled with care.
(Side note #2: I actually like that last one, maybe I should go back and read that chapter.)
What’s Actually in the Book?
Parker is a professional facilitator, and the book is packed with stories from her work—everything from high-stakes negotiations to quirky dinner parties. She’s big on the idea that gatherings should have a clear purpose and that “chill” is overrated; meaningful events require structure and direction.
She dives deep into concepts like “generous exclusion,” which is all about curating the guest list with intention. The idea is that by excluding people who don’t align with the purpose, you actually create a more inclusive and meaningful experience for those who are there. It’s a paradox, but she makes a solid case: “By closing the door, you create the room”.
“Generous authority” is another big one. Parker argues that the host’s job isn’t just to get out of the way, but to actively steward the experience for everyone’s benefit. This means setting boundaries, enforcing rules, and making sure the gathering stays on track.
She also spends a lot of time on the importance of priming guests, creating temporary rules, and designing intentional beginnings and endings. If you’re someone who loves thinking about the psychology of groups, there’s plenty to chew on here.
Why I Couldn’t Finish
Here’s the thing: I’m not a professional party planner. I don’t get a thrill out of designing icebreakers or crafting bespoke rituals for every gathering. I just want my parties (and meetings) to feel less awkward and more fun. While Parker’s passion for the topic is obvious, the book felt like it was written for people who want to turn every dinner into a TED Talk.
The concepts themselves aren’t bad, but the delivery is heavy on stories and light on practical, step-by-step advice. There’s a lot of “why” and “what,” but not as much “how.” I kept waiting for the section that would give me a checklist or a template, something I could actually use the next time I’m planning a get-together. Instead, I got a lot of theory and anecdotes, which just didn’t hold my attention.
Maybe I’m Not the Target Audience
Oddly enough, Megan (who is actually good at planning and hosting parties, despite hating it) would probably get more out of this book than I did. She’s the kind of person who instinctively knows how to set the right tone at a party and keep things moving. Maybe I should have handed her the book and asked for a summary.
I’m not saying The Art of Gathering is a bad book. If you’re someone who loves thinking about group dynamics, or if you’re in a role where you host a lot of events, you might find it inspiring. There’s definitely value in being more intentional about how and why we bring people together. But if you’re looking for a straightforward, actionable guide to better parties or meetings, you might find yourself skimming or bailing out entirely.
Key Lessons (Even If I Didn’t Finish)
- Purpose matters: Don’t gather just for the sake of it. Know why you’re bringing people together and let that guide every decision. Like when I'm gathering people in my backyard so I don't have too many bbq leftovers.
- Less can be more: Being intentional about who’s included (and who isn’t) can make the experience richer for everyone involved. Next time you don't get invited to one of my BBQs, I'll be practicing this lesson.
- Hosts need to lead: Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and guide the group. A little structure can make a big difference. I don't have a good bbq analog for this other than deciding when to eat.
- Intentionality beats default settings: The best gatherings are designed, not just thrown together. Think about every element, from the guest list to the closing remarks.
- Not every book is for every reader: Sometimes, the best lesson is knowing when to move on.
Final Thoughts: Not Every Gathering Is for Everyone
Reading The Art of Gathering reminded me that there’s an art to hosting well—but also that not every book (or gathering) is for everyone. If you’re looking for deep dives into group psychology and want to rethink every aspect of your next meeting or party, Priya Parker’s book might be your jam. If you’re just hoping for a few party tricks or a checklist to make your gatherings less awkward, you might want to look elsewhere.
For now, I’ll stick to my AI-generated summary and let Megan handle the next party. Maybe she’ll even read the book and give me the highlights, preferably in less than 150 pages.
Have you read The Art of Gathering? Did it change the way you host events, or did you find yourself zoning out like I did? I’m always up for a good controversy, even if it’s just about party planning.